As you know I quit my job today. A lot of things are going on in my head but for once I can see things clear. It was the right decision and I will start feeling better soon.
I might need some time to get back. I will go back to my parents place for Christmas and hopefully get some more energy to be able to work through January.
I don't have a plan. Well, I have a plan to feel better again. I will apply for some jobs, get my life back again. And I'll take it from there.
Tonight's honest feelings brought to you by friendly glasses of merlot and cabernet.. (:
I attended a volunteer appreciation event for the holidays this evening. Albeit tipsy from the slightly excessive cups of wine I pursued from the adorable bartender, my conversations with the elderly members of the community really grounded me--as they always do. I originally didnt feel that I deserved any recognition as my volunteer positions were short and infrequent, but to receive applause from my mentors and clients felt unreal! Aside from the recognition, I felt myself falling into a more positive space regarding my life throug my conversations with the org members. I discussed my future plans with them, but without an indication of rush (concerning age, as they are elders). Among individuals that were mostly above the age of 70, my age was such a joke--and I really appreciated that.
So a big thank you to my elder community for their presence, perspective, and wisdom.
And of course, a big thank you to my best friend who continues to impart her wisdom and grace as she ages (;
Good night baby xx
I slither up to my car in the dark corner of the parking lot. As I enjoy the cool, moist air from the wet cement, I sneak a ciggy (despite quitting) and embrace the salamander as my spirit animal.
I have approached what feels like the end of a minor hiberbation. Since my graduate school applications have fallen to pieces, I am changing my approach again--we should discuss.
I haven't been to meditation for two weeks, and I am feeling the consequences of it. Lots going on this time of year! However, my time spent blogging at the laundromat has been calm and clarifying.
Wishing you some peace of mind.
I've already spent a couple hours watching Jane the Virgin--so absorbed by the telenovela glamz. I'm spending this holiday surrounded in lavender, candles, queer tv, and other things that engage my creative side. With that said, super excited for our skype date this weekend!
Even though it makes me pee, I feel the need for coffee in the morning.
I started to rethink and reevaluate things.
It just started with a normal conversation with H where I asked her to help me get better at verbal authority. It later developed to something bigger. Much bigger. Not sure how to explain it, but I hope it will make me feel better.
How are you?
So because of these personal things going on in my life I've tried to focus on the positive side of it all and think about what's important to me - what I want and where I want to go. I want to create and live up to my potential. I need to create space and time for being creative. I must write more, draw, paint, sew and sketch.
So far I've seen the Intern, which is a lovely movie! Robert De Niro is a sweetheart and Anne Hathaway is sublime.
I've also thought much of clothing and what I express by my look. I dyed my hair again. It's the same brown colour I had when I was in Korea. I'm starting to go towards a Granny Panty/Coco Chanel inspired style. Old school chic.
Coco Chanel once said,
|Now I occasionally wear patches over my knots.|
I always talk about all the changes my life is going through..and if it sounds redundant, it probably is. In being self aware, I have to admit that I'm extremely sensitive and a little clumsy with transitions in set and setting. This morning, I felt the Americans poking around in my uterus and I knew that bloodshed was on its way. This tension alone kind of made me keel over (imminent change alert), and then I tried to pump myself to mentally fight the pain. I barely had the mental capacity to reach out for help, and I am so lucky that my best friend and partner A could run out to bring me a feast.
|Dried figs, coconut water, mandarins, chicken noodle soup, clam chowder, sourdough, and cinnamon roll in the back (:|
Hope you are well, take care of your uterus!
We have a group, where we take a photo with a decided theme every week to keep us photographing. And I blanked.
What motivates me?
What makes me get up in the morning?
I got up because I didn't die during the night?
Of course it's the writing.
Creating stuff that motivates me.
If I can write and create it motivates me to keep going because it gives me joy.
I continued writing on my erotic novel, you know the one about the seasonal worker.
But other than that I need to get my shit together.
Make myself happy doing what I love to do.
Ps. we haven't started much with our collection. we have a plan tho.
I woke up this morning and immediately fell in love with the day--sound of heavy rain, crisp cold, warm sheets. I did everything in my power to absorb the beauty of the morning, but alas it was only an excuse to slowly drag my butt through a case of the Mondays (:
Recently I have made an enemy out of my job as it exhausts me and leaves me with limited time to pursue my passions. With some thought, however, I have come to wonder whether I'm giving too much of myself at work. Is there a way for me to "work smart" and conserve some energy for the rest of my daily life? Or is this a matter of building stamina?
As I type this, Kona is asleep in the shape of a croissant. She is def my sensei in the R&R category.
Wishing everyone some sweet dreams.
chu chu, c.
Today I received criticism unexpectedly and cried..in front of my boss. It strongly invoked guilt. In retrospect and in truth, I did not have to feel guilty for my detachment from my daily duties. Now I understand that it was simply a small dip in my working habits due to my inattention to self care. With that understanding, I can feel grateful to have a manager who pays attention--as clearly, I had not confirmed that I was indeed, slippin' up.
Cheers to reflecting and resolving. Happy Friday love.
Can you write down in a post, and you others who read, who know me, describe me. My strength, me weaknesses, everything you know about me. When you see my picture, read my name, what do you think of?
I'll tell you later why.
I have tonsillitis.
But I hope to get better soon.
It gives me a lot of time to spend in bed (not having too much engergy atm) so I'm watching a lot of YouTube videos on vegan recipes.
It's kinda fun.
I've been going strong on my plantbased lifestyle.
More than a week now.
Sometimes I cook so much food (usually late at night when my engergy comes back) and sometimes I just eat carrots, selleri and peanut butter.
But I'm going to be better at eating more diverse.
Take a look at this channel:
Hot for food
and their website.
I've also been a hot mess this week. I've been struggling with insomnia. Right before I fall asleep I lay in bed day dreaming of stuff like love & future. Future scenarios with hot Korean guys or the ones I'm crushing on at the moment or I dream of my career, what I do, where I live and my life being a famous writer etc. etc. But this week I've been scared of going to bed because I have nothing to dream about. So instead I've been forcing myself to stay awake in my sofa and not gone to bed until I'm so exhausted I will just collapse into bed. However, this weekend has been better since I've been working and have to go to bed in order to get more than 4 hours of sleep. I'm working on it.
Your old habbits are something that will not just disapear just like that. It's a progress, change will take time, don't beat yourself up if you fail, just try again. And if you fail again, try again. Listen to Aaliyah. Also, let's skype soon so we can do the meditation tutorial since I want to learn and I'll bright you up so you won't feel bad anymore.
On Sunday, I went to a prayer arrow ceremony calling for spiritual strength to guide me to my true self. My prayer arrow (shown above) helped me realize the benefits of having a spiritual space in your home. It's really grounding to begin and end your day with a practice, whether that is meditating, praying, stretching, having a cup of tea, tending the garden, etc. It's really just to hang out with yourself.
Anyway--since I left the ceremony, I have been fluctuating between feeling great and extremely weird. I have been conscious about truth-telling, but at random moments will run to old habits of denial, people-pleasing, and consequently self-victimization. My responses to my emotions have been really surprising to even me (so many surprise tears, frustration, and sadness) so I am trying my best not to feel like that friend. Then I ate old cottage cheese and got sick, which I partially attributed to my bad karma for not being productive. The next two days I quit smoking ciggys, found a new yoga studio, and felt a mix of extremely lethargic and extremely hopeful. Last night I celebrated Club Wednesday, then experienced yet another bout of food/stomach sickness for the second time this week.
Thus, this morning I woke up a bit confused. For a moment I felt like perhaps I was wrapped in negative karma, but I think I am creating that fog myself by over thinking. As it is in my nature to be overcritical of myself, I need to reflect more and practice recognizing things that are working--truth telling, open discussion, yoga, meditation, and being a kind witness to myself.
Clearly though, I could not do this alone--so here is my quick gratitude list:
Ceci, who is constantly sparking her fires of creativity and self-inquiry-- thank you for making me laugh, first of all! Secondly, thank you for your inspiration, warmth, and invitation to have my presence in your life. I'm so happy we're blogging and discovering together.
M, my best friend who is constantly sparking her fires of passion and self exploration -- thank you for the insight, joy, and clarity you bring to my life.
A, my best friend and partner -- thank you for your patience, your words, and above all your presence and support through all the tension, serious discussions, and puke in my hair.
Is this making any sense?
I remember who I was when we met and got to know each other.
I remember who I used to be.
That raises the question, who am I know?
I always thought that I'm a better person now and I've grown to become something amazingly greater.
I'm not bad.
But I'm not great.
Get back to who I used to be.
I was one sassy lady.
I brought sassy back.
I've got my old girl swag.
I'm staying true to myself and will simply be the person I am.
I know this person, I just lost her for a while.
This determined, honest, nice, cray cray, break-out-to-random-dance-person. The one with a cute and open smile, who's super funny, super photogenic and can't take a bad picture. Who loves the camera. And get more animated by the day. This very interesting person.
|Something's super fascinating over there|
My friend has her birthday party and she wants us to bring cookies and cakes for the party.
The calm that takes over me when I sit here with a ciggy is pretty similar to our old spot. Remember when we used to sit atop the laundry vents for the warmth and laundry smell (if the launderers were laundering correctly..)? One of those places where you get to lose focus and let your ideas float in limbo while you enjoy their absence for a moment.
Anyway, I hope one day you get to experience the bakery. They actually don't sell bread, and the building is more like a bread factory. The people are very friendly inside and they would probably love if we visited every day to creepily smile at them (:
Safe and happy travels, bb! besos xxx
So they saw me not too much from afar. They yelled to their grandchildren, "we have to go now because here he comes with the broom. Look, he's got a broom we should let him sweep. There he comes!"