Pages

1.11.16

Look at this Tumblr!!!

11.10.16

I'm hiring you!

Can you make me to illustrations? One for my screen lock and the other one for the background on my phone. I want something personal, about me and something that reminds me of you, and something that reminds me of who I am.

I know I could do it myself but I rather have something you made. It makes it more special and also like having your picture in my wallet.

Challenge!


Let's do posts with text (like always) and if we want some images we will sketch. How about that?
Then I'll also get to work on my doodling skills.
Good morning, love. Did I tell you I like sweet milky tea? 

I also burned my belly trying to take this picture.


19.9.16

hopefully getting my act together

I'm getting clean.
No more alcohol or destructive behavior.
I'm getting there.
Taking one step at a time.
How are you?
How did it go?

13.9.16

practice makes perfect


putting yourself first
confronting the tenderness
anchoring yourself in mush

follow your heart ache
dance party, party of one

enjoying your solitude.

29.6.16

Day 4

I started my medication. Apperently I'm so fucked up I need medication, CBT and a psychitist. So far my pills have made my more anxious I can barely leave the house. I was going to the grocery store but only got to the parking lot before I had to return because it was too stressful to meet other people and I couldn't bare it. I have some food at home and I've managed to keep some social engagements and not burried myself in my dungun.

My spell check doesn't work and the pills are making my a bit hyper so I'm not great at writing, you should see my handwritting, it's not pretty.

Otherwise I'm doing great. I eat today. food. it was good.

27.5.16

15.5.16

aging

Hej hej mi love, 

I ran (jogged) Bay to Breakers this morning. I had no idea what to expect, and it was wonderful! The costumes, the nudists (we counted 12 of them, and 3 were very excited), the salmon running up (opposite) stream, and the fact that we were running on roads typically covered in cars in SF. I loved the intermittent dancing I could do as we jogged past house parties in the neighborhood. I really felt the community. Our goal was by Ocean Beach, where I was in disbelief that I was about to reach the finish line. 

With that said, my body is really aching! This is the second time that I have whipped out a pain relieving patch in my adulthood. I'm also wearing weird orthopedic toe socks.. which I will definitely show you but on webcam.

What else is new? I've been making smoothies for breakfast with the following ingredients:
- apples or oranges (haha)
- grapefruit juice
- banana
- sometimes ginger
- sometimes celery
- a handful of baby kale mix

I think it gives me a nice energy boost, but it could be the placebo talking.

Miss you and hope you're doing well! updates plz.

//Caro

 

9.5.16

Appetite

hej hej, darling!

This is timely because I recently started listening to Beyonce's new album, Lemonade. 

FYI, I listened to it here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0784yjc (skip to 1:00:00 in).

Recently I have been having a lot of open conversations with people, including myself. It has been about a year and a half since I closed off the word for my hermitage. Being out of it feels strange and nice. 

I have been speaking to a lot of people about my wanting to be a social worker, and my difficulty with finding a program that is right for me (or that will accept me). Through speaking to them and practicing being vulnerable, I have been given a lot of support in exploring alternative paths and getting informational interviews with professionals. 

I have been taking vinyasa yoga classes which has really helped me maintain my resilience against crumbling inward. Unlike bikram (the hot one) that I have been familiar with since I was 18, vinyasa presents a different series of poses every time. I haven't quite gotten the hang of it yet, which is actually very liberating, especially in a non-competitive studio. It's important to actively learn things! I know that sounds like a -duh- statement, but I think I have to mention it because I have had a hard time measuring how much I am actively learning at my job. In the physical realm, it's easier for me to see how I'm developing skills (holding poses for longer breaths, the flow of your poses). Maybe I'm a kinesthetic learner, after all.

How are you?


29.4.16

just illustrate

dearest, is it your dream to become an illustrator?

then illustrate
illustrate every day
on post-its
on paper
in books
anywhere you feel

and if you want to share with me
camscam that shit and post here.
tell me stories
tell me what happened during the day
with illustrations and texts
post here
post on instagram
post on your tumblr
or save for later
that rimed

28.4.16

I've got work in the mornin

My love,

Existential crises galore! I have them often too. When I ask myself the reason I wake up every morning, these are the thoughts that come through:

1. To better myself and grow into the person I want to be.
Every day I go through a bunch of processes--waking up, picking my clothes, feeding my fish and dog, commuting, getting to work on time, cultivating friendships, building professional relationships, gaining work skills (technical and social), eating healthy and unhealthy food. It's interesting to watch myself develop new habits, shake off old ones, and pick them back up. It's meditative to reflect and see their effects on my general well-being. Every day I'm just practicing and perfecting these things.

2. To have new feelings. There's a poem by Nayyirah Waheed that I love:

there are feelings.
you haven't felt yet.
give them time.
they are almost here.
--fresh

Sometimes I find the space to do things that push my limits, and I feel new feelings. Although sometimes uncomfortable, I love looking back and bookmarking a moment where I identified a feeling I have never felt before. Just collecting. This is not to say that I don't like my regular feelings that I've already had/identified before.

3. To talk to other people.
As much as I love the relaxation that comes over me when I am alone, I also get bored when I have too much of it. I love being with quirky people who own their quirkiness, and experiencing the quirkiness with them. I also learn a lot of things when I talk to people. Today, I finally caught on to Beyonce's new album (Lemonade) because of a coworker's suggestion.

4. To give love.
If there is anyone in my community that needs support, I like to be there to provide that. I can't provide big support, but small ones--like actively listening, or sharing a lunch break and decompressing. It's my sense of purpose--I guess that's why I want to be a social worker.

5. To receive love.
As selfish as this may sound, I love feeling that people love me. So I wake up and dive right in there to soak it all up.

The blogger you posted last is so wonderful. And she's an illustrator! My dream.
Do you want to web cam soon?

love, c.

Why do you get up in the morning?

Because you didn't die during the night?

I have a bit of an existential crisis. Can you help me? Tell me what do you live for.

21.4.16

16.4.16

When you finally succeed

the perfect eyeliner

11.4.16

My minimalist journey

So it is time to reveal what I've been up to, as you may know already since I've been talking about it on Skype and here. However, I figured that a very, long and not very interesting post about it would be more coherent.

The first time I heard about minimalism was by Leo Babauta from Zenhabits, and at that time he also wrote on mnmlist.com and that's where the story begins. I later got inspired by the Minimalists and Minimal Student. I've been paring down and cleaning out my stuff several times but this time I'm going to do the packing party because it just make sense.
Why do I do this?
Well, Ryan said it best: (speaking about Ryan Nicodemus from the Minimalist like I know him personally. I don't. I just read their blog, listen to their podcasts and enjoy their thoughts on minimalism.)

"My life lacked: Meaning. Purpose. Passion. If you would have asked me what I was passionate about, I would have looked at you like a deer in headlights. What am I passionate about? I had no idea. I was living paycheck to paycheck. Living for a paycheck. Living for stuff. Living for a career I didn’t love. But I wasn’t really living at all. I was depressed."
Quote from Ryan's post about Packing Party the Minimalists
In a nutshell, this is my life. Read it again. Yes, it's like looking in a mirror. So I'm going to do this full out, not the half ass versions I've done before. I'm going to find some meaning, purpose and passion. I need to move on from this lifestyle I'm coping with at the moment and start living.

Links.
zenhabits.net
mnmlist.com
theminimalists.com
minimalstudent.com
minimalistbaker.com

10.4.16

Trunk sale

Yesterday in the spirit of minimalism, I sold som of my stuff at a trunk sale. It's arrenged a few times during the summer and everyone's welcome to sell for a small fee.



It was a success, things I was meant to toss, I sold and I got a bit under 300 SEK for it (36 USD), not too shabby.
I still had some more stuff to sell, like clothes and other stuff in my apartment. Today I'm going to start packing and have a packing party.
I'll write more about my process in the next post.
//Ceci

Minimalism

I'm doin' my spring cleaning. Or paring down. It's time to take minimalism to the next level. I started with emptying everything from my living room to my bedroom and in order for it to have a place in my living room I have to use it. I'm getting some boxes from work and I will sell a lot if stuff.

You know I'm doing minimalism, right? I've been following the Minimalists for a while and  I got more inspired of Zenhabits' post.

I'm taking this action in order to get some clarity. I nees to get rid of every distraction and focus on the real stuff. I'll update you with pictures.

31.3.16

I'm in the building and I'm drawing myself

Since we discussed doodling for my blog posts, I decided to draw myself today. Initially I was going to draw out all the things I did today, but then I realized I had no idea how to draw myself any more! It was meditative to draw out my details that have developed with aging and since cutting my hair. It still doesn't really look like me, but it looks more like me than the smiley faces with hair I used to draw. Thoughts?

I had a job interview today. I also visited the Twitter building. And then I went home and confronted the snail infestation in my fish tank. Then I lit my beer candle for drawing time. Twas a productive day.

Good night my love!
Besos, caro.

27.3.16

Fe-lines

Beautiful kitty I always see on the way to the penthouse. I'd be all over it if it weren't for my allergies!

minimising



I'm back to minimising my life. Paring down, throwing, donating and selling my stuff and just keeping everything that is useful. The question I ask if this brings value to my life. It's very difficult when it comes to paintings and photographs. I need a scanner so I can keep them and then I can donate or sell the hard copies.

I had this thought about leaving. Packing up all of my stuff and leave. But it would be a hella big suitcase so I need to minimise in order for it to fit.

24.3.16

Missing someone

It is hard to miss someone who empowered you and allowed you the space to be the person you love to be.

I think your feelings about children will change once my sister has a baby! I have never been more baby crazy than I am now. Although I am frightened by the amount of baby snails that have appeared in my fish tank.

I am experiencing emotional turmoil.

Can't wait until our videochat.

Love, c

Missing someone

It is hard to miss someone.
Someone who made your life more alive.
Someone who made you a better person.
Someone who where there for you, even if it was just squandering. Those were the best times.
Or for the morning coffee and sin sticks.
Someone who you could be yourself with.
I miss you.

14.3.16

working hard, hardly working

My heath is what it is, mostly plantbased, freelanced meat eater sometimes. I drink too much coffee these days and I used to be pleased with some tea in the morning, it's not like looking in a mirror.  I haven't cought a flu yet, knock on imaginary wood, but I'm sure I'm not imune to it.

Otherwise these days I go from procrastinating to working. Last week I worked at the concert hall all week and shepard 800x2 childern per day, and you know how much I love children. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I actually had an okay time. This week I'm just working the weekend at the movie theatre. That's going to be interesting.

Other than that I don't have anything fun to tell you except that Shia LaBouf-Transformers story again.

//Ceci

9.3.16

Colposcopy Afterthoughts

I have a visit with my ob/gyn today, and I was reminded that I haven't written about my colposcopy yet. It has been a couple weeks since my experience.

If anyone is reading this to mentally and emotionally prepare for a colposcopy, please hear me when I say this:

Do not take to heart the youtube colposcopy reaction videos! The reactions are from actresses (or those who want to be), and dramatic. I built up a lot of anxiety after watching these and almost chickened out of my appointment. Looking back, it really wasn't too bad--and for the relief I felt after the biopsy results, it was 100% worth it.
If possible, find a genuine female to give you their experience. And maybe they can also give you a ride home.

Now, for the actual procedures.
For the majority of the appointment, I had a metal vagina. It's a tunnel - like contraption that keeps your vagina open so your gynecologist can take a good look-see, do their thing. It's an interesting sensation to feel metal tools clink against the walls of your vagina. I imagined I had become part robot.

Once the metal chamber braced the walls of my vagina, they swiped my cervix with iodine--this is to identify which parts of the cervix they will take biopsies from. No pain here--I remember talking to my gynecologist about the dramatic youtube stars who had almost steered me away from the appointment.

Second, they took the biopsy. I had sweaty arm pits at this point. My gyn told me she was going for it, and I took a deep breath--and PSH! It felt like a very thin but strong stream of air pressure hit my cervix. I felt a large wave of relief come over me, but then they let me know they'd take 3 more. Before I really had a chance to think about it, the discomfort of the following biopsies hit me. For whatever reason, each biopsy incited stronger discomfort than the last.

I think it's important here to distinguish between discomfort and pain. The colposcopy didn't leave me writhing in tears on the ground, but socially awkward from the internal weirdness. I think the 3 advils I took before the appointment also helped. I engaged in any and all possible conversation to distract myself from the sensations, and ended up talking to my gyn about orgasmic births. Twas a new experience for sure.

After the procedure, they caked my cervix with a brown substance which I believe is a kind of healing ointment. The metal vagina was removed, and I had cramps that resembled menstrual cramps. I felt a little fragile, but once the gyn and nurse left me to change, I danced my way back to normalcy. I told myself "pain is mind over matter.. plus you're done with the dang thing!!" to put myself into perspective. My best friend picked me up, and I ate a ton of food. I was gentle to my moons.

Two days later, the clump of healing ointment fell out during a bathroom trip. And then it was done.

Wala!

If you ever have one, I am here to support you (:

5.3.16

Stuffy head & nose faucet

I remember the exact moment on Friday evening where I threw out my self care to enjoy the weekend. I was already exhausted by my Wednesday and Thursday festivities, but I couldn't break my habits. I spent the weekend in East Bay, staying up late and enjoying myself. Two days into the weekend, the symptoms that I initially wrote off as allergies came to kick me in the butt.

Despite the discomfort, I was really glad to take the day off to heal (and privileged to have a job that allows me that time). Had I continued on, I may not have had a chance to solidify my trust with myself. Like.. why don't I just listen to my body? Also it gave me a wonderful excuse to stop smoking. Even better, I had the day off on International Womyn's Day, so I gathered a lot of inspiration via the internet. It refreshed/adjusted my social media feeds. I also found new perspective on how I could pursue a career in social work. Basically, I got to surf the web A LOT, but I'm happy because I haven't had the chance to in a while.
With that said, my day was not without rest. Blue light from your phone and other equipment can be super intense when you're sick--every time I needed an eye break, I took a nap. Hence why I woke up at 4 am this morning.
You told me to post all my cooking, and this time I remembered to take a photo before I ate it. It's porridge with onions, carrots, w+b rice, mini chicken and cilantro wontons, a pickled plum, and shiso (a leaf in the basil family).

I wonder if I should take another day off..

My love, how is your health?
Besos, c

27.2.16

Keep em illustrations comin

Pehaps you should consider illustration?

14.2.16

Easy food stuff

I've done the noodle salad which was amazeballs. I'm going to try to make the tofu dish too.


21.1.16

confetti, chamomile tea..

My life right now in a nutshell.
It's a new year, and it promises much excitement-- so the best thing I can do is take care of myself. A lot of ginger, melatonin-supplemented sleep, food logging, and not smoking as much. Also kombucha. I even went to the dentist and for a run today! The trouble is keeping it up..
I hope you are loving the thrill of non-scheduled days. It's important to take small breaks to enjoy the moment! But knowing you, you are probably already having a blast (: We should skype for all of our other serious discussions.
I've been having a lot of ginger and tea (i.e. chamomile) lately--I think it's keeping me healthy! Are ginger chews popular/existing in Sweden?

Love you, and good night ((((::


1.1.16

happy new year, darling. I found myself walking around in the dark wondering how I got there. There was no light, not any shimmer or bread crumbs to make me find a way out there. It's a long and winding road back to any kind of safe place where I feel happy. Yet I'm comfortable and free in the dark since at least I'm not chained to the shackles of land of no sun. It's going to be dark for a while, metaphorically and also literally since I'm working nights until next weekend. I'll see you on the other side. Think of me.
/ceci