I'm in the building and I'm drawing myself

Since we discussed doodling for my blog posts, I decided to draw myself today. Initially I was going to draw out all the things I did today, but then I realized I had no idea how to draw myself any more! It was meditative to draw out my details that have developed with aging and since cutting my hair. It still doesn't really look like me, but it looks more like me than the smiley faces with hair I used to draw. Thoughts?

I had a job interview today. I also visited the Twitter building. And then I went home and confronted the snail infestation in my fish tank. Then I lit my beer candle for drawing time. Twas a productive day.

Good night my love!
Besos, caro.



Beautiful kitty I always see on the way to the penthouse. I'd be all over it if it weren't for my allergies!


I'm back to minimising my life. Paring down, throwing, donating and selling my stuff and just keeping everything that is useful. The question I ask if this brings value to my life. It's very difficult when it comes to paintings and photographs. I need a scanner so I can keep them and then I can donate or sell the hard copies.

I had this thought about leaving. Packing up all of my stuff and leave. But it would be a hella big suitcase so I need to minimise in order for it to fit.


Missing someone

It is hard to miss someone who empowered you and allowed you the space to be the person you love to be.

I think your feelings about children will change once my sister has a baby! I have never been more baby crazy than I am now. Although I am frightened by the amount of baby snails that have appeared in my fish tank.

I am experiencing emotional turmoil.

Can't wait until our videochat.

Love, c

Missing someone

It is hard to miss someone.
Someone who made your life more alive.
Someone who made you a better person.
Someone who where there for you, even if it was just squandering. Those were the best times.
Or for the morning coffee and sin sticks.
Someone who you could be yourself with.
I miss you.


working hard, hardly working

My heath is what it is, mostly plantbased, freelanced meat eater sometimes. I drink too much coffee these days and I used to be pleased with some tea in the morning, it's not like looking in a mirror.  I haven't cought a flu yet, knock on imaginary wood, but I'm sure I'm not imune to it.

Otherwise these days I go from procrastinating to working. Last week I worked at the concert hall all week and shepard 800x2 childern per day, and you know how much I love children. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I actually had an okay time. This week I'm just working the weekend at the movie theatre. That's going to be interesting.

Other than that I don't have anything fun to tell you except that Shia LaBouf-Transformers story again.



Colposcopy Afterthoughts

I have a visit with my ob/gyn today, and I was reminded that I haven't written about my colposcopy yet. It has been a couple weeks since my experience.

If anyone is reading this to mentally and emotionally prepare for a colposcopy, please hear me when I say this:

Do not take to heart the youtube colposcopy reaction videos! The reactions are from actresses (or those who want to be), and dramatic. I built up a lot of anxiety after watching these and almost chickened out of my appointment. Looking back, it really wasn't too bad--and for the relief I felt after the biopsy results, it was 100% worth it.
If possible, find a genuine female to give you their experience. And maybe they can also give you a ride home.

Now, for the actual procedures.
For the majority of the appointment, I had a metal vagina. It's a tunnel - like contraption that keeps your vagina open so your gynecologist can take a good look-see, do their thing. It's an interesting sensation to feel metal tools clink against the walls of your vagina. I imagined I had become part robot.

Once the metal chamber braced the walls of my vagina, they swiped my cervix with iodine--this is to identify which parts of the cervix they will take biopsies from. No pain here--I remember talking to my gynecologist about the dramatic youtube stars who had almost steered me away from the appointment.

Second, they took the biopsy. I had sweaty arm pits at this point. My gyn told me she was going for it, and I took a deep breath--and PSH! It felt like a very thin but strong stream of air pressure hit my cervix. I felt a large wave of relief come over me, but then they let me know they'd take 3 more. Before I really had a chance to think about it, the discomfort of the following biopsies hit me. For whatever reason, each biopsy incited stronger discomfort than the last.

I think it's important here to distinguish between discomfort and pain. The colposcopy didn't leave me writhing in tears on the ground, but socially awkward from the internal weirdness. I think the 3 advils I took before the appointment also helped. I engaged in any and all possible conversation to distract myself from the sensations, and ended up talking to my gyn about orgasmic births. Twas a new experience for sure.

After the procedure, they caked my cervix with a brown substance which I believe is a kind of healing ointment. The metal vagina was removed, and I had cramps that resembled menstrual cramps. I felt a little fragile, but once the gyn and nurse left me to change, I danced my way back to normalcy. I told myself "pain is mind over matter.. plus you're done with the dang thing!!" to put myself into perspective. My best friend picked me up, and I ate a ton of food. I was gentle to my moons.

Two days later, the clump of healing ointment fell out during a bathroom trip. And then it was done.


If you ever have one, I am here to support you (:


Stuffy head & nose faucet

I remember the exact moment on Friday evening where I threw out my self care to enjoy the weekend. I was already exhausted by my Wednesday and Thursday festivities, but I couldn't break my habits. I spent the weekend in East Bay, staying up late and enjoying myself. Two days into the weekend, the symptoms that I initially wrote off as allergies came to kick me in the butt.

Despite the discomfort, I was really glad to take the day off to heal (and privileged to have a job that allows me that time). Had I continued on, I may not have had a chance to solidify my trust with myself. Like.. why don't I just listen to my body? Also it gave me a wonderful excuse to stop smoking. Even better, I had the day off on International Womyn's Day, so I gathered a lot of inspiration via the internet. It refreshed/adjusted my social media feeds. I also found new perspective on how I could pursue a career in social work. Basically, I got to surf the web A LOT, but I'm happy because I haven't had the chance to in a while.
With that said, my day was not without rest. Blue light from your phone and other equipment can be super intense when you're sick--every time I needed an eye break, I took a nap. Hence why I woke up at 4 am this morning.
You told me to post all my cooking, and this time I remembered to take a photo before I ate it. It's porridge with onions, carrots, w+b rice, mini chicken and cilantro wontons, a pickled plum, and shiso (a leaf in the basil family).

I wonder if I should take another day off..

My love, how is your health?
Besos, c